Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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