as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
