I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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