community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
