I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
