I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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