At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize