I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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