Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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