Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
