Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
