Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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