I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
