please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
