I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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