Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
