the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
