if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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