Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
