hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Randomize