You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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