So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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