hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
