That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
