btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
