I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
4 words: hood of his car
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
