i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
