It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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