i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
