just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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