my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
sick fucks of a feather flock together
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
