You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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