apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
