i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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