If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
