Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize