Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
