Your face is a jimmy john
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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