I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
