She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My penis needs a shock collar
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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