Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
