I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
