Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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