There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Even my vagina gasped.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
