She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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