He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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