just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
