i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
