Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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