it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I AM VODKA MAN
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
