Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
