im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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