That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
