$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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