i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I am naked and annoyed.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
