and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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