life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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