Your dad touched me again.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
