Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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