I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
