No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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