he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
