Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
