my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
