last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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